To Beard, or not to Beard

About 6 months ago I shaved my beard off. Once it began to grow back I committed myself to not shaving it again until I was married. That would mean I would go unshaven for nearly a year and a half. Well, now that I have 6 months growth I can say I'm getting a little tired of it.

Now consider the cons of a long beard. When you spill food, you sometimes dont notice, when I eat I wipe my face constantly because I cant tell whether something has attached itself to my beard. Wiping your face after every mouthful is fucking annoying. Which leads me to washing. Washing your beard like you do your hair is kinda cool, but its also kinda stupid. It's unfortunately necessary as it'll stink after a few days without a wash.

The pros? Looks pretty cool I guess. It certainly makes one look older.

All things considered, no beard - less cleaning.

I'm shaving it off.

Fuck you guys.

- Dogman

PS - To use "To ___, or not to ___" is almost a cliche nowadays. It was only a few years ago that I found out what 'to be or not to be' truly means. If memory serves me, its the opening of Hamlet's soliloquy where he contemplates whether or not he should take his own life... to be or not to be. I really should read Shakespeare one day.

Eden and the Shit Cat

Twas a summers night on the eve of October two
A little girl named Eden sat quietly on the loo
Then on the sill of the window just of her view
She heard a delightful sound of a pussy cats coo...

Swifly wiping her rear from front to back
(She avoids infection of her crack)
In order to glimpse this fine young cat
But just as Eden was about to flush
The cat jump in with the stinky mush

Cooing no more, the pussy cat screeched
Eden tried to save it, but it was out of reach
A sadness came over her as she realised her folly
She wonder if she'd ever be jolly...

As the sun rose brightly on October three
Eden staggered to the loo to take her morning pee
When out the window perched in a tree
She spyed the magic-cat... dripping with poo and wee

- Dogman

Relationship Troubles

Last night I was doing some amazing farts. Like, really good farts. They weren't bassey farts, but they were long, dry, sustained, high pressure farts. A very large amount of air pushing out of a tight puckered bung.

But something wasn't right... she wasn't laughing. Apparently I do so many she just can't laugh anymore. Well fuck that, I laugh at all her farts.

- Dogman

Why SMS is Beautiful

The following is a SMS exchange between the Dogman and the Leeman on eve of New Years Eve.

Dogman: Let me know if I need to bring sumfin.
Leeman: Fuck man, I talked to Brooke last night. Alright fuck, here we go: sleeping bag, swimmers. Get it?? Fuff...
D: Lol fuff. Is that an acronym? Ask your mum if she's go any dommys, if not I'll bring some.
L: Fuff is like saying 'for fucks sake' but being so annoyed you don't get past one syllable. Bring a g-string.
D: That's like a ruzzel man, you used ot be funny. Anyway, I'll g-bang it up. Don't forget to ask donna 'bout dommys for my donga.
L: Don't bring any beers. The Kanch has it covered.
D: Nice. Can you ask your mum if she has a mask for my meat?
L: Umbrella for the rain coming from your purple vein.
D: Lol. A jar for the tar that flows thick from my dick.
L: A dam to block the jam from your cock.
D: A bowl to catch the jizz before the snatch.
L: A cover so huge still wont hold my splooge.
D: A plastic pocket to protect from the socket.
L: Hey man in all seriousness though, I'll ask my mum if she has a loo for your goo.
D: Or a gas chamber for my dying jews. Does that make sense? I'm blogging this whole conversation btw.
L: I already did. In my blog: ihaveablogandidonttellanybodyaboutitcozmynameisedad.fagspot.cunt
D: A beaker for my bunsen burner, to keep the solution off my sneaker and in the spunsen spurner (vagina, your mums vagina).
L: Dude I don't wanna kid around anymore.
L: Something to hold back the cum from the spawn shack of your mum.
D: Spawn shack, lol. A sheath for my sword to prevent a baby from being stored.
L: Doing the deed without spreadin' yo seed.
L: Fucking her silly without producing a Billy.
L: Stemming from the old adage 'fucking her brains out': Getting rid of her knowledge without paying for college.
D: You're on fire with your prose, I'll need to think up more to do with my hose.
D: Her jocks around her socks, my cock in her box.
D: I can't do this anymore.
L: I've shot my wad as well. Greatest blog evarr!

And so it was...

Just a Dream I Had

So I was in a pub having a few drinks, when I found myself in conversation with 3 girls - one of them had cancer. She was smoking hot but appeared to be in perfect health. They told me her boyfriend hadn't proposed to her yet, therefore they couldn't have sex yet. The problem was she badly wanted to be fucked. They wanted me to do it.

I found myself back at her place, banging her on the lounge with her two friends watching. After a short amount of time there was a knock at the door. I'd ordered some pizza from Pizza Hut earlier on, so it was the pizza man. I opened the door just a crack (I had a woody), slipped him the money and told him to leave the pizza on the ground outside the door. I went back inside to keep fucking.

Not long after, another knock at the door. It was the cancer girl's boyfriend, apparently there to ask the cancer girl to marry him. We ignored him and kept fucking. After we'd finished we went to get the pizza... the son of a bitch ate half of it.

- Dogman

Dogman, a Historie

It was a brisk winters evening in the winter of 1946 in the London suburb of Barking when the Barchangel Dogriel appeared to a woman named Mary.

Dogriel was an Angel of magnificence and importance, it has been written in the classical texts that he was the most loyal Angel in the Great Battle of C’Anine against Lucifer and the Faecal Felines*. Due to his great loyalty, it is said that he is the best friend of God and therefore – man.

The Barchangel Dogriel appeared to Mary and he proclaimed, “Rejoice, highly favoured one, blessed are you among bitches!”

Mary said nothing, she looked stunned and fearful.

The Barchangel Dogriel proclaimed, “Be not afraid Mary, for God has looked kindly upon thee. And you will conceive in your cracke and bring forth a puppeh, and you will name him Dogman”. Dogriel continued, Mary, awed by the revelation. “He will be a grand puppeh, and he will be called the Dog of the People and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

Mary finally spoketh, “I am but a Virgin, doth God have skille enough to explore thine cavernous cracke?”

The Barchangel Dogriel proclaimed, “Bitch! No cracke be too wide or too deep for God to fill! Go now to the Isle of Dogs where you shall find a Public House, and here three men will seek your puppeh and rejoice in his miraculous birth.”

And with this, the Barchangel Dogriel vanished.

*This is where the Dog VS Cat rivalry we have today originated.

Danny & Annie

I was going to try and write something about love and love stories with the intent of posting this video. However, nothing I can write is good enough. This should be shared:



- Dogman

Enter the Dogman

“Hamish” no longer exists on this site.

There are very few facts known about this being. Of the scraps of information that we do have, all are curiously canine in nature, hence the name – Dogman.

It was a brisk evening in the winter of 1947 in a public house in the east of London (The ‘Isle of Dogs’, to be precise), when a group of scholars where debating whether the phalus should be measured from below the testes or above. Before a conclusion could be reached a foul screaming hag burst forth through the doors. Screaming and babbling loudly, and before anyone could help her she fell to the floor. Writhing in pain, she pulled up her dress (her screaming became louder still) and began to give birth - “the bitch is crowning!” - howled one of the bystanders. Out of her wretched cunt came not but a babeh, but a puppeh. This was no ordinary puppeh, for it had red fur (not due to the mung fluid) and was already growling and scowling at all present. The puppeh then scampered away, never to be seen again... that day was the 4th of January 1947.

His exact birth date has been confirmed by internet researchers using various scientific methods. The most reliable method of which is Numerology. The 4th of January, 1947. That date would more commonly be written as 4/1/47. Numerology confirms that this is the Dogman’s birth date. The method is simple: D is the 4th letter of the alphabet, 0 the 14th and G the 7th. 4 1 4 7 or 4/1/47. Not only is does numerology confirm it, the Chinese Zodiac does too. As this date falls within the ‘Year of the Dog’. Moreover, all zodiac cycles are assigned an element, the element assigned to this cycle was fire. This is correlates as the Dogman who we know to have red hair – hair of fire.

But the rabbit hole is deeper still. We already know that the Dogman was born on the Isle of Dogs in the east of London, a part of the world once famous for pirates. The Isle of Dogs is also the location where many movies have been filmed, notably – the fifth Harry Potter film.* This is interesting as it features not one but two dog-men**. 1) Professor Lupin and, 2) Sirius Black. This duality of doggery represents the two sided nature of the Dogman. He is at one instance an evil fiend and the next a loyal friend. This dichotomy represents all the best and worst of animalia.

That said, the Dogman will be blogging on this site instead of “Hamish”, and he’ll also be taking credit for all of “Hamish’s” past blogs.

- Dogman

*Note – 5th film. In the 1940’s when the Dogman was born, the word ‘Dog’ was spelt – ‘Dogge’. That’s 5 letters. Numerology proves his doggedness beyond all reasonable doubt.

**However, they aren't true dogmen in the sense that the Dogman is. They're lesser dogs or in old german unterhunds.

Punishing Purchasers

I hate that shit, doesn't even make any sense...

Why is it that a medium like DVD contains these threats and warnings (never mind that they're near universally unskippable*) and a medium like free-to-air TV does not? The consumers who legitimately purchase DVDs are paying for the privileged to be threatened, it seems. We shouldn't be paying to be told not to steal, the industry should pay to tell us.

If I illegally download a movie, I get to do whatever I want with the file, keep it forever and there are no silly warnings or threats. Such is the nature of illegal downloads. Legitimately download a movie and it's loaded with DRM code (digital rights management), DRM code is what makes buying a digital file so unattractive. Buy the DVD and you have to wait a few minutes before you can watch it every time you chuck it in the DVD player. There are so many ways the industry could make legit downloading attractive. Unfortunately they don’t appear to be doing it yet - even if they did we couldn't utilise it in Australia without the NBN (Ah anyway, that topic goes so deep I won’t even begin). I’m just pissed of about this shit on DVDs I fucking buy. Just imagine you walk into a shop one day to buy a loaf of bread, your handing the money over and the cashier say "hey, remember not to steal from this store - we'll take you to court and take all your money if we catch you". I'd tell them to go fuck themselves.

- Dogman

*I notice that you can fast forward through it, but then after it there is this stark white government/industry warning that really cannot be skipped.

Why Pig Destroyer Is Awesome

The beauty of Pig Destroyer lies in their simplicity. 1 Singer, 1 Guitarist, 1 Drummer. From that you get a wall of sound more "brutal" than what most metal bands who have twice the instrumental power can come up with.

Pig Destroyer's 2007 album, 'Phantom Limb' is the album I'm most familiar with and was the first one I heard. It's a delightful mix of death metal, grindcore (often call deathgrind) and I think I can feel a thrash influence in there somewhere (I've never been good at/big on defining metal beyond one sub genre to be honest).

From Phantom Limb, Thought Crime Spree:



That song is doesn't have a what I'd consider a blast-beat it's just very heavy on the double-bass drumming. This uncharacteristic of grindcore (perhaps why I chose it as an example), but does exemplify the incredible sound that Pig Destroyer produce with only 2 (or 3 including vokills) instruments.

I regressed through their discography, hearing 2004s 'Terrifyer' only once or twice and then settling on 2001s 'Prowler in the Yard'. The difference in production is noticeable, 'Prowler in the Yard' sounds quite unpolished. The songs are also a lot shorter and sharper, this is the grindcore sound that we're all a lot more familiar with. Here is the beginning of this album, one of my favourite album openings of all (read along with the lyrics).

From Prowler in the Yard, tracks 1 and 2, Jennifer/Cheerleader Corpses:



Jennifer wrestled her friend playfully to the ground infront of the snowcone stand and began licking at the girls eyeballs, as if they were sugar cubes. Their bodies convulsed and flailed with an almost seizure like intensity. At times their pale limbs seeming to shift back and forth from one torso to the other. A crowd gathered almost immediately to watch these two girls tie and untie their bodies like a pair of pit-vipers. They were confused, or concerned, or shocked, or aroused, or all of the above. But no-one dared interfere with the performance. Jennifer's long ashen hair hung down concealing the girls face like a curtain around a hospital bed. No one had any idea that the girls eyes were revolving under her ruby tongue. "This is disgusting, it's pornography" exclaimed a pasty slut white woman in a fur coat, vanilla ice-cream smeared across her double chin like a money shot. Counting a balding professor type in his mid-forties, his left hand stuffed crassly down the front of his pants "No, no, no. This is beautiful, this is art."

I can't help but think that opening is analogous to metal in general. To some it is a grotesque evolution of music, to others it is art. I was going to say that PD may not have evolved, but merely refined. After listening to a few of the tracks from the earlier album - 'Prowler in the Yard' and comparing it to later tracks, I can say that they have evolved in every sense. The music is more mature, it interacts with the lyrics (from Phantom Limb - "Mood swings like an axe, into those around me" and bang the music shifts), the album art work is incredible rather than somewhat predictable.

Pig Destroyer is on of my favourite bands. The only person who has read this that may have a chance of liking them will be Dean.

- Dogman

Yogo Gorilla!

I was walking through Franklin’s (a relic of the 80s/90s) at Westleigh (also a relic of the 80s/90s) and saw some Yogo. The 90’s was the heyday of Yogo, it had the best commercials and I loved the taste of that chocolatey custardy shit. So Brooke and I bought a two pack and ate it when we got home. It was delicious. Probably not as good as I had remembered, but still... delicious.

I wouldn’t have known about Yogo, or had those fond memories had it not been for a certain Gorilla and his sidekick Snake. The stop motion Yogo ads of the 90’s were really good and in my mind rose above the usual shitty kids commercials (as memorable as some of the jingles may be).

Here is the first:



I don’t remember that one either. Regardless, here the Gorilla and the snake appear for the first time. It’s quite a crude representation of what they would eventually become...



“Barry... BARRY!!... I’ll get back to you Barry...” Haha!

That is the full-length 90 second version of the commercial that we saw most often cut to 30 seconds. Looking at the debut and then at the feature length shows a huge change. It’s like ‘Please Please Me’ vs ‘Abbey Road’. You can appreciate both, but the production values of the later are undeniably superior. The ad also features drumming by the guy from ‘Regurgitator’ and ‘The Hard-Ons’ (kinda famous) and a bunch of references to films.

I don’t like most children's advertising, but when it’s this creative – how can I not? I’ve only posted two ads here because that's all I could find (I know there were more). But with this series the ongoing use of the Gorilla and Snake was great and the fact that they were stop motion meant a good deal of effort had to be invested. All Hail Yogo Gorilla!

- Dogman

Dogman's Cock College: The Filthy Folds of Flesh, Revealed

Welcome once again to the Cock College. In the previous lesson we learned how to draw a beautiful cock, an idyllic cock that we'd all like to have but few do.

Today we'll be taking a look at the seediest variety of cock - the 'uncut'. There are those that claim the uncut cock is best, that it provides more seckshual pleasure. All this of course is total bullshit. Its ugly, it stinks and tell me what woman would derive seckshual pleasure from a knob that has more folds of flesh than her own vejynah. And how can a man get more pleasure from a cock that's covered in 3 hour old piss and stinks of putrid sweat? It makes me retch just thinking about it.

You know how girls look and super muscly handsome guys and say "fuck, he's cut". They're not talking about his body.

Fact: 83% of homoseckshuals prefer a cut cock.
Fact: Wayne Coyne is cut.
Fact: An uncut cock stinks like shit.

Now, look at it:

- Dogman

Flash

I’ve read and heard a lot of trash talk about iPhones and iPads not supporting Flash. At first I agreed that it was silly to not include it, then I thought, what if there is a really good reason? Turns out there are plenty.

I'd like to first start by saying that the iPhone is the first phone I ever saw that delivered a true internets experience. All other phones I'd used the internets on looked like total shit and are slow. The iPhone managed to make the internets on a mobile phone amazing. All without Flash, the current standard for multimedia.

But why is Flash a defacto standard for multimedia on the internets? In '91 Apple released Quicktime, a revolution in desktop multimedia – Windows machines at the time could barely play audio files (in '92 Microsoft released Windows Video, with thousands of lines of code stolen from Quicktime). About 5 years later (during the browser wars Internets Explorer V Netscape), Microsoft made Internets Explorer incompatible with Quicktime and bundled in Flash. We had a situation where Adobe’s closed/proprietary Flash became a standard for web content because Microsoft pushed it. Apple’s Quicktime, which eventually became integral for the open MPEG4* standard, was pushed back.

Aside from the politics, there is a sound technical reason for Flash to not be included on Apple’s touch devices. Have you ever noticed those ads were you move the mouse over them and the cursor interacts with the ad? Most video sites hide the progress bar, play/pause button until the mouse cursor hovers over it. So even if Flash was installed on an iPad/iPhone none of this will work. Flash websites are built with the assumption that a mouse equipped computer is going to be looking at them. This reason alone should be enough to convince anyone.

The replacement for Flash is HTML5. Videos on HTML5 sites are encoded in a higher quality (using MPEG4), you don’t get that stupid loading thing and you can click anywhere in the video at anytime and it should just start playing. HTML5 in an open standard, meaning there is a consortium of companies who define how HTML5 will progress through the years, not one company (Adobe…). Plus no one has to pay a fee to anyone for its use (Adobe gets money for Flash).

All the big video sites are now changing over to HTML5. I’m seeing it happening now. I accidentally went to youpr0n the other day, at the top of the page it said “we’re currently recoding our entire library”. It’s the same with other similar sites. YouTube has done it, Vimeo has done it, all the big porn sites are doing it… these constitute the most popular video sites on the internets. If these sites have made the change then I can only see Flash becoming obsolete very quickly.

- Dogman

*This is what you’re watching when you look at a high quality video on YouTube (or any quality video site for that matter). Flash format is .flv, MPEG4 format is .mp4.

Death

Eden's blog got me thinking about death. I've often thought about it, generally I think about it after a close shave on the roads. From what I understand, a "conventional" fear of death is to be afraid of dying a violent death (getting shot, car crash etc)... or so pop culture/the innernettes tells me.

It's not a car crash I'm afraid of, it's leaving behind all those I love and how they'd feel. A fatal car crash is momentary physical pain, but your memory lingers on for decades. If you die in a way that could have been prevented, like making stupid decisions on the road, that's what I fear.

I'm not advocating living a safe life where you don't take any risks or have any adventures. That's probably worse than dying.

The idea of my mortality has impact on my daily life. It makes me happy when I'm feeling like shit at work. Recently at work we've (me and the guys on the helpdesk) have been getting worked really hard, and had some little perks taken away from us. I thought to myself, fuck this - I'm going to do whatever I like, I'll stick it to management, I'll refuse to do work that I don't believe I should be doing and I'll do what's right. In one year I wont care about anything that happen in the last two weeks at work, in five years I'll be in a different job and in eighty years I'll be dead.

Thinking about death brings you closer to how you truly feel about life.

- Dogman

Public Toilets

I don’t like public toilets, even if they’re really private I still don’t like them. You know why? It’s other people. Other people are the worst, sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who knows how to use a toilet properly. Lifting a seat before you piss is a good idea if you don’t want to leave piss all over it. Flushing after doing a piss (or anything for that matter!) is a good idea too.

Recently I went into a public toilet to take a wiz, to my disgust there was a deep-yellow bowl of piss waiting for me, with droplets sprinkled all around the seat. It’s the height of rudeness and disrespect toward your fellow man to leave a toilet in this state. Normally in this situation I’d begrudgingly clean the seat after doing my business so the next person didn’t think it was me who made the mess. But this time I thought, fuck it - this is the last time I clean up after someone else. Never again will I wipe up the piss of some poorly potty trained piss fiend. I kicked the seat up with my foot, pissed, flushed and left.

/rant

- Dogman

Judgement

Last year I read a book called “The Consolations of Philosophy” by Alain de Botton, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was thought provoking at every page. But one chapter, about one philosopher – Michel de Montaigne, said something that really got me thinking:

"I am a man, nothing human is foreign to me."

What this fifteenth century Frenchman said is essential to being human – empathy. When I read it, that instant my life changed. I became a less judgmental person.

Unfortunately, the world is full of people who cast harsh judgement on others, without any thought of anothers life experience. While reading about the proposed tax hike on cigarettes, which may raise prices to $20 a pack, I read some truly ignorant comments from others readers. People calling all smokers “stupid” and “ignorant”, and my favourite “It is simple maths..........if you do not want to pay the tax, give up smoking. There is nothing difficult about stopping smoking if you really want to”. Have these people ever smoked? Have they ever considered that it might not be as easy as they believe it to be? Somehow, I doubt it. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have depression, but I wouldn’t say to someone who has to just 'smile and be happy'. Humans are not so simple.

“Human understanding is marvelously enlightened by daily conversation with men, for we are, otherwise, compressed and heaped up in ourselves, and have our sight limited to the length of our own noses.”

I used to think Islam was an archaic, uncivilised religion and its followers not much better. Then I realised – I live in a Christian dominated country, Christian dominated media, everything has a bias to it. I’m sure many Muslims feel the same way about Christianity. So, they’re people too. Upon realising this, that wall crumbled.

“Everyone calls barbarity what he is not accustomed to.”

Another topic that made me think harder about myself and the way I judged others was a story on Hungry Beast about paedophiles. People just see paedophiles as 1 dimensional characters – evil creatures with only thoughts of raping children on their minds. After seeing that report on the Beast, and reflecting on it, it must be a hard life and not one which would wish upon anyone.

Sometimes I catch myself judging people, other times I don’t – but when I do I always end up realising others are just like me. Human.

- Dogman

P.S. This probably doesn’t need to be said, but those three quotes are Michel de Montaigne.

My Quest for Minimalism

Of all the blogs I check every day, mnmlist is the one that I get the most from. As the name might suggest, minimlism is what mnmlist is about - it may sound boring or perhaps trite to some, but for me it is everything but.

For many months now I've been focusing on ridding myself of my possessions. After years of collecting 'stuff' that I considered to be important - stuff that I might need one day or stuff that is just sentimental, I needed change. All this stuff cluttered up my living space which in turn cluttered up my mind. I began by just throwing out a bunch of old shit that I hadn't used in years (old documents, strange trinkets, general crap), with only a few exception, like books, dvds and clothes I thought I might need.

I’m now at a point where what I do have left feels like clutter. So I'm planning on getting my clothes down to the bare essentials, eventually just one drawer. I'm planning on culling my dvd collection back to just the dvds that I actually watch on a regular basis (like my favourite documentaries etc). Eventually I'll have no books, if I need a book I'll borrow it from a library (or buy it then donate to a library).

Clearing my life of material clutter is the first step I've decided to take on the minimalist path, beyond this there are many other things I will do, what they are I'm not even entirely sure. I am sure that it will be never ending. Perhaps one day I’ll be like Gandhi.

To some people this might all sound a bit silly, but after I started to do this, I began to discover the essence behind it all - the truly important things in this world are not material at all.

I’d like to end by mentioning some people who have inspired me with their ways. Firstly, Jason only having 4 t-shirts. I still have about 10 or 12 shirts (down from about 40), Jason survives with only 4 shirts and he always looks pretty good to me. I hope to cut my collection down to single digits, only a select few shirts that I really like and actually wear regularly. Secondly, Lee being a vegetarian. This is something I will eventually get around to me thinks, and Lee doing it is cool because … he did it. And lastly, Eden. He is in general a frugal person. I take a lot from him and his ways, from his cold showering to his ability to not give into temptation as easily as me.

- Dogman

Music and Memory

Clair de lune, by Claude Debussy:



Claire de lune simply is a beautiful song, I adore it. It's impact is strengthened by the lifetime of association I have with it. My late Grandmother used to play it (she was an accomplished pianist and singer) and I used to hear it a lot in general, whether it was my Mum playing it on CD or just hearing on the radio. I heard the song a few months back for the first time in a year or so and was taken by how beautiful it is, then when I watched that video I was truly lost and fighting back tears. When I hear this song I think of my Grandmother and my Mother. Claire de lune is the most beautful song I've ever heard.

This leads me to music and how it can take you back to the past. When I listen to System of a Down I think about many things - HELD was in its adolesent prime, and Smash Bros Melee was all the rage, and apparently jew fros were too. SOAD doesn't just bring back one specific memory, but memories of a time, of a period of my life - and that is very powerful.

What songs take you back?

- Dogman

Album of the Week: Moving Pictures

 

Moving Pictures -

 Rush

Moving Pictures is the most well known and commercially successful album by Canadian prog-rock band Rush, it was released in February 1981.

Tracklist

1. "Tom Sawyer" – 4:31
2. "Red Barchetta" – 6:10
3. "YYZ" – 4:23
4. "Limelight" – 4:20
5. "The Camera Eye" – 10:59
6. "Witch Hunt (Part III of Fear)" – 4:44
7. "Vital Signs" – 4:46

Why I Chose This

Brendon Giles said to me one day, "hey man listen to this, you can see where Opeth got the intro for Deliverance from!". I popped one of his head phones in my ear and clearly heard it, Opeth's Deliverance uses a similar intro to Rush's YYZ (ok, it's a ripoff). Awesome. I only heard this album a handful of times back then in High school and I really liked it. When I saw "I Love You, Man" for the second time just a couple of weeks ago, I knew this had to be my next AOTW. Enjoy!

- Dogman

AotW Home

A Bad Plan

D: Sup man!
H: You, apparently.
D: Well yeah, I’m trying to lead a healthy, active lifestyle.
H: Good to hear man. How, exactly, are we talking?
D: Internal dialogue.
H: Hmmm, ok. Why are we talking?
D: I have something to tell you.
H: What?
D: I’m going to dance around it for a while first. Drag it out.
H: Why? It’s just you and me.
D: You ask too many questions.
H: That’s cause you’re being a dick.
D: Hah! Wow, you’re funny. What was I saying?
H: You were going to tell me something…
D: Ahhh yes. I’ll start with a question – why do you wear the clothes you wear?
H: Because I like them, and they’re comfortable I guess.
D: Have you ever noticed that when a man is pursuing punani he often dress in nicer clothes? Like your pal Russell.
H: I suppose.
D: And you know why? ... It’s me!
H: Why you?
D: Well. It’s all for the pussy you idiot. All I want is pussy! I dream about pussy every night! Think about it.
H: Woah! Calm down man. I guess I have noticed that of a morning.
D: Of course you have, how about fancy cars, big houses, giant rings, the whole idea of capitalism! It’s all because of me.
H: Man that’s pretty arrogant. I think that’s all the invention of Man. And by man I mean men.
D: Well of course it was men, but who drives men to do what they do?
H: That’s a complex question. First of its pro -
D: Shut up! It’s me you fucking idiot!
H: Why are you so rude?
D: Because I wield ultimate power over your mind, I don’t technically have a brain, yet a still am the most powerful being in the world! Hahahahaha
H: That’s not even funny, you’re acting like a criminal mastermind now.
D: Hahahaha, its because I am you fool. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m going to ruin your life.
H: What! How?
D: Desire.
H: I have control over my desires.
D: Do you? Do you really?
H: Yes I do. I’m a good guy.
D: Empires have been built and have been torn down all because of me.
H: Because of arrogance?
D: Yes! But mostly because of sexual desire. Beginning tonight I will begin an assault on your sexual desires. You will cheat on Brooke. The logical and good part of your brain will force you to tell her. After you break up you’ll be alone. We’ll be alone - together. Our quest will begin. Our quest for women.
H: I don’t want that. I like pussy, but I don’t want that.
D: SHUT UP! It doesn’t matter what you want. After you’ve fucked you way through hoards of whores you’ll be left feeling empty and unsatisfied… but I won’t be. I’ll be feeling more fulfilled than ever. HAHAHAHAH! You’re an idiot Hamish. HAHAHAHA!
H: This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard.

Hamish and his penis in conversation one evening.

- Dogman