Friday, November 19, 2010

Dogman, a Historie

It was a brisk winters evening in the winter of 1946 in the London suburb of Barking when the Barchangel Dogriel appeared to a woman named Mary.

Dogriel was an Angel of magnificence and importance, it has been written in the classical texts that he was the most loyal Angel in the Great Battle of C’Anine against Lucifer and the Faecal Felines*. Due to his great loyalty, it is said that he is the best friend of God and therefore – man.

The Barchangel Dogriel appeared to Mary and he proclaimed, “Rejoice, highly favoured one, blessed are you among bitches!”

Mary said nothing, she looked stunned and fearful.

The Barchangel Dogriel proclaimed, “Be not afraid Mary, for God has looked kindly upon thee. And you will conceive in your cracke and bring forth a puppeh, and you will name him Dogman”. Dogriel continued, Mary, awed by the revelation. “He will be a grand puppeh, and he will be called the Dog of the People and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

Mary finally spoketh, “I am but a Virgin, doth God have skille enough to explore thine cavernous cracke?”

The Barchangel Dogriel proclaimed, “Bitch! No cracke be too wide or too deep for God to fill! Go now to the Isle of Dogs where you shall find a Public House, and here three men will seek your puppeh and rejoice in his miraculous birth.”

And with this, the Barchangel Dogriel vanished.

*This is where the Dog VS Cat rivalry we have today originated.


That evening Mary’s fiancĂ© Joseph arrived home after a hard days work. Mary told him all about the revelation from the Barchangel Dogriel, Joseph was surprisingly unsurprised.

He proclaimed, “Ahh yes, I believed this day might come. I too had a revelation from the Barchangel Dogriel”

He proclaimed, “The Barchangel Dogriel singeth to me! He singeth these words from the mouth of the great God almighty! And I shall doth singeth to yee...”

There was once a young man from Barking
Whose religion stopped him from farking
An Angel from above
Said give it to her gov’
Just don’t tell no one ‘n’ you’ll be laughing

Mary spoketh, “But Joseph, I am but a Virgin, how doth thou fucketh thy cracke?”

Josef proclaimed, “Mary, I fucketh’d in thou’st sleep. Drowsy you were, Arousey was I!”.

Mary spoketh, “I am no Virgin if you fucketh’d thy cavern, so Dogman will not be the son of thine almighty?”

Yosef proclaimed, “Hush you foolish Bitch! It was revealed as the word of God that I was to roost in you. Therefore it is the work of God and a virgin babeh. That is what we shall tell them.”

Giuseppe was very sure of this revelation, so naturally, Mary was convinced.

Mary and José packed their belonging and bid farewell to their family and friends and onward they headed they headed to the Isle of Dogs.


Later that evening on the outskirts of the Isle of Dogs, four men were sitting on a hill drinking mead.
The first, a curly-haired boy named Eden. The second was a well dressed, loud chap named Luke, and the third was a stupid idiot called Lee. The last of these men was named Dean, he was well know for his collection of dogs (he owned 1,000) and his dominant command of each of them. However, Cane was a paranoid and capricious man. Always worried that someone would challenge his dominion over his dogs.

Dean spoketh, “Men! I’m running low on mead, head to the Pub to fetch me some more!”

Lee replieth’d, “Daaaaawwwww ok baws”

Luke replieth’d some more, as Lee’s replieth was lacking, “Might we take some dogeths? For protection? One can never be sure, there might be enemies of the great Dean of the Isle of Dogs stalking the night”

Dean spoketh once moar, “You may, but only 40 dogs, no more, no less”

Eden, the filthy lying rat, replieth’d, “But Dean, there will be many enemies, and as such, we will need more dogs to protect ourselves... and by extension, you. Might we have 80 dogs? 80 dogs who’s balls are swollen, who hunger for a bitch on heat?”

Dean spoketh once moar, nao angreh, “You ask too much of me Eden... of Judea! Did you think I wouldn’t figure out you were a Jew? Hah! Look at your hair! Jew or not, you may have 80 of my dogs”

Lee replieth’d, “daaaaawwww ok baws”

Dean rhophelled at Lee. “If there is change. Oh, be sure to get some more pipe-weed. The most verdent gold can buy”. He continued, “But remember, if anyone tries to take control over my dogs, be sure to murder them”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Ok baws” Said Lee like a stupid fucking idiot.

Off they stumbled off toward the Pub*.

To Be Continued...**

*The pub was owned by a loser called Russell. Everyone hated him and thought he was a dickhead***.

** I cbf finishing this story. I already sorta wrote this bit in the first Dogman post.

*** I love you Russell.


  1. Love you too, Dogman - you fucking mutt.

  2. Haha, man I loved it. Definitely worth the wait. I hope to read further adventures of Dogman in the future.