D: Sup man!
H: You, apparently.
D: Well yeah, I’m trying to lead a healthy, active lifestyle.
H: Good to hear man. How, exactly, are we talking?
D: Internal dialogue.
H: Hmmm, ok. Why are we talking?
D: I have something to tell you.
D: I’m going to dance around it for a while first. Drag it out.
H: Why? It’s just you and me.
D: You ask too many questions.
H: That’s cause you’re being a dick.
D: Hah! Wow, you’re funny. What was I saying?
H: You were going to tell me something…
D: Ahhh yes. I’ll start with a question – why do you wear the clothes you wear?
H: Because I like them, and they’re comfortable I guess.
D: Have you ever noticed that when a man is pursuing punani he often dress in nicer clothes? Like your pal Russell.
H: I suppose.
D: And you know why? ... It’s me!
H: Why you?
D: Well. It’s all for the pussy you idiot. All I want is pussy! I dream about pussy every night! Think about it.
H: Woah! Calm down man. I guess I have noticed that of a morning.
D: Of course you have, how about fancy cars, big houses, giant rings, the whole idea of capitalism! It’s all because of me.
H: Man that’s pretty arrogant. I think that’s all the invention of Man. And by man I mean men.
D: Well of course it was men, but who drives men to do what they do?
H: That’s a complex question. First of its pro -
D: Shut up! It’s me you fucking idiot!
H: Why are you so rude?
D: Because I wield ultimate power over your mind, I don’t technically have a brain, yet a still am the most powerful being in the world! Hahahahaha
H: That’s not even funny, you’re acting like a criminal mastermind now.
D: Hahahaha, its because I am you fool. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m going to ruin your life.
H: What! How?
H: I have control over my desires.
D: Do you? Do you really?
H: Yes I do. I’m a good guy.
D: Empires have been built and have been torn down all because of me.
H: Because of arrogance?
D: Yes! But mostly because of sexual desire. Beginning tonight I will begin an assault on your sexual desires. You will cheat on Brooke. The logical and good part of your brain will force you to tell her. After you break up you’ll be alone. We’ll be alone - together. Our quest will begin. Our quest for women.
H: I don’t want that. I like pussy, but I don’t want that.
D: SHUT UP! It doesn’t matter what you want. After you’ve fucked you way through hoards of whores you’ll be left feeling empty and unsatisfied… but I won’t be. I’ll be feeling more fulfilled than ever. HAHAHAHAH! You’re an idiot Hamish. HAHAHAHA!
H: This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard.
Hamish and his penis in conversation one evening.