Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Enter the Dogman

“Hamish” no longer exists on this site.

There are very few facts known about this being. Of the scraps of information that we do have, all are curiously canine in nature, hence the name – Dogman.

It was a brisk evening in the winter of 1947 in a public house in the east of London (The ‘Isle of Dogs’, to be precise), when a group of scholars where debating whether the phalus should be measured from below the testes or above. Before a conclusion could be reached a foul screaming hag burst forth through the doors. Screaming and babbling loudly, and before anyone could help her she fell to the floor. Writhing in pain, she pulled up her dress (her screaming became louder still) and began to give birth - “the bitch is crowning!” - howled one of the bystanders. Out of her wretched cunt came not but a babeh, but a puppeh. This was no ordinary puppeh, for it had red fur (not due to the mung fluid) and was already growling and scowling at all present. The puppeh then scampered away, never to be seen again... that day was the 4th of January 1947.

His exact birth date has been confirmed by internet researchers using various scientific methods. The most reliable method of which is Numerology. The 4th of January, 1947. That date would more commonly be written as 4/1/47. Numerology confirms that this is the Dogman’s birth date. The method is simple: D is the 4th letter of the alphabet, 0 the 14th and G the 7th. 4 1 4 7 or 4/1/47. Not only is does numerology confirm it, the Chinese Zodiac does too. As this date falls within the ‘Year of the Dog’. Moreover, all zodiac cycles are assigned an element, the element assigned to this cycle was fire. This is correlates as the Dogman who we know to have red hair – hair of fire.

But the rabbit hole is deeper still. We already know that the Dogman was born on the Isle of Dogs in the east of London, a part of the world once famous for pirates. The Isle of Dogs is also the location where many movies have been filmed, notably – the fifth Harry Potter film.* This is interesting as it features not one but two dog-men**. 1) Professor Lupin and, 2) Sirius Black. This duality of doggery represents the two sided nature of the Dogman. He is at one instance an evil fiend and the next a loyal friend. This dichotomy represents all the best and worst of animalia.

That said, the Dogman will be blogging on this site instead of “Hamish”, and he’ll also be taking credit for all of “Hamish’s” past blogs.

- Dogman

*Note – 5th film. In the 1940’s when the Dogman was born, the word ‘Dog’ was spelt – ‘Dogge’. That’s 5 letters. Numerology proves his doggedness beyond all reasonable doubt.

**However, they aren't true dogmen in the sense that the Dogman is. They're lesser dogs or in old german unterhunds.


  1. haha where do you come up with this shit?

    You truly are the funniest dog in all of the Hills.

  2. I imagined the whole thing being said in your Elizabethan England announcer voice! 'Not a babeh but a puppeh' ha ha

  3. Are there pictures or artists renderings of the fabled Dogman

  4. I think someone might have drawn some pictures of me once, but I'm pretty sure they were just stick figures (with strangely well drawn penises).