Yogo Gorilla!

I was walking through Franklin’s (a relic of the 80s/90s) at Westleigh (also a relic of the 80s/90s) and saw some Yogo. The 90’s was the heyday of Yogo, it had the best commercials and I loved the taste of that chocolatey custardy shit. So Brooke and I bought a two pack and ate it when we got home. It was delicious. Probably not as good as I had remembered, but still... delicious.

I wouldn’t have known about Yogo, or had those fond memories had it not been for a certain Gorilla and his sidekick Snake. The stop motion Yogo ads of the 90’s were really good and in my mind rose above the usual shitty kids commercials (as memorable as some of the jingles may be).

Here is the first:



I don’t remember that one either. Regardless, here the Gorilla and the snake appear for the first time. It’s quite a crude representation of what they would eventually become...



“Barry... BARRY!!... I’ll get back to you Barry...” Haha!

That is the full-length 90 second version of the commercial that we saw most often cut to 30 seconds. Looking at the debut and then at the feature length shows a huge change. It’s like ‘Please Please Me’ vs ‘Abbey Road’. You can appreciate both, but the production values of the later are undeniably superior. The ad also features drumming by the guy from ‘Regurgitator’ and ‘The Hard-Ons’ (kinda famous) and a bunch of references to films.

I don’t like most children's advertising, but when it’s this creative – how can I not? I’ve only posted two ads here because that's all I could find (I know there were more). But with this series the ongoing use of the Gorilla and Snake was great and the fact that they were stop motion meant a good deal of effort had to be invested. All Hail Yogo Gorilla!

- Dogman

Dogman's Cock College: The Filthy Folds of Flesh, Revealed

Welcome once again to the Cock College. In the previous lesson we learned how to draw a beautiful cock, an idyllic cock that we'd all like to have but few do.

Today we'll be taking a look at the seediest variety of cock - the 'uncut'. There are those that claim the uncut cock is best, that it provides more seckshual pleasure. All this of course is total bullshit. Its ugly, it stinks and tell me what woman would derive seckshual pleasure from a knob that has more folds of flesh than her own vejynah. And how can a man get more pleasure from a cock that's covered in 3 hour old piss and stinks of putrid sweat? It makes me retch just thinking about it.

You know how girls look and super muscly handsome guys and say "fuck, he's cut". They're not talking about his body.

Fact: 83% of homoseckshuals prefer a cut cock.
Fact: Wayne Coyne is cut.
Fact: An uncut cock stinks like shit.

Now, look at it:

- Dogman

Online Petition: Bring Back Lee's Comedy College!!

Many months ago in a land not so different from ours, a young boy named Dr Lee Robert Sullivan Ph.D decided to share his wonderful wealth of comedic knowledge with his fellow moon dwellers. It was a wonderful idea, a comedic cousin to Album of the Week, Lee's Comedy College came out with a bang. Doug Stanhope's Something To Take The Edge Off is one of the best comedy albums I have heard. Such a passionate speaker with a unique old school view on life, this album has received considerable listening time in my music heavy iPod, and Lee says it isn't even Doug's best! Sure, the comments section didn't get the classroom discussion that the professor would have liked, but this freshman selection suggested that people like me were finally going to get a simple, easy to use and frequently updated page of comedy gold.

But alas, tragedy struck. In only his second lesson Dr Lee took a risk and gave his pupils Dana Gould's Let Me Put My Thoughts In You. More like homework than a fun filled listening extravaganza, this album became 30mins+ of half chuckles and unclimaxed joke set ups. On reflection it seemed as though his style didn't click with me or perhaps (and this has happened on a Patton Oswalt album I have) I was bothered that the audience laughed at everything with undeserved vigour. Comedy albums work better in front of small audiences.

Anyways, after the ill received sophomore effort, the professor abandoned the school and left us comedy tragics who are too lazy to find albums ourselves (me) in the scrapheap of Lee's Comedy College Dropouts. Well I'm here to request, nay, demand that Lee, self proclaimed funniest man in the world, returns to his illustrious career as an acomedemic. I hope to get 10 signatures and then send them to Lee in his secret hideaway in the windy hills of Ireland. In respect to what Lee's Comedy College was founded on I will post a Comedy album of the Week in his honour with an album Lee has repeatedly told me to get:

David Cross - Bigger and Blackerer

1. Opening Song (The Sultan's Revenge)
2. If You Care
3. That One Show About Drugs and Stuff
4. Me and Drugs
5. Black Stuff
6. ...Or Worse
7. Where We Are Now Back in Sept. '09
8. Silly Religious Crazies
9. REALLY Silly Religious Crazies. I Mean, Double, Triple Crazy!!
10. Random Goofabouts
11. I Can't Get Beer in Me...
12. Lesson Learned

So let's all get the album, give it a listen and write some comments discussing it underneath along with your signatures and hopefully we can get the College back and running and serving the comoonity again.

- Eden

And while we're at it I think we should get Hamish's Cock College back again

A Bad Plan

D: Sup man!
H: You, apparently.
D: Well yeah, I’m trying to lead a healthy, active lifestyle.
H: Good to hear man. How, exactly, are we talking?
D: Internal dialogue.
H: Hmmm, ok. Why are we talking?
D: I have something to tell you.
H: What?
D: I’m going to dance around it for a while first. Drag it out.
H: Why? It’s just you and me.
D: You ask too many questions.
H: That’s cause you’re being a dick.
D: Hah! Wow, you’re funny. What was I saying?
H: You were going to tell me something…
D: Ahhh yes. I’ll start with a question – why do you wear the clothes you wear?
H: Because I like them, and they’re comfortable I guess.
D: Have you ever noticed that when a man is pursuing punani he often dress in nicer clothes? Like your pal Russell.
H: I suppose.
D: And you know why? ... It’s me!
H: Why you?
D: Well. It’s all for the pussy you idiot. All I want is pussy! I dream about pussy every night! Think about it.
H: Woah! Calm down man. I guess I have noticed that of a morning.
D: Of course you have, how about fancy cars, big houses, giant rings, the whole idea of capitalism! It’s all because of me.
H: Man that’s pretty arrogant. I think that’s all the invention of Man. And by man I mean men.
D: Well of course it was men, but who drives men to do what they do?
H: That’s a complex question. First of its pro -
D: Shut up! It’s me you fucking idiot!
H: Why are you so rude?
D: Because I wield ultimate power over your mind, I don’t technically have a brain, yet a still am the most powerful being in the world! Hahahahaha
H: That’s not even funny, you’re acting like a criminal mastermind now.
D: Hahahaha, its because I am you fool. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m going to ruin your life.
H: What! How?
D: Desire.
H: I have control over my desires.
D: Do you? Do you really?
H: Yes I do. I’m a good guy.
D: Empires have been built and have been torn down all because of me.
H: Because of arrogance?
D: Yes! But mostly because of sexual desire. Beginning tonight I will begin an assault on your sexual desires. You will cheat on Brooke. The logical and good part of your brain will force you to tell her. After you break up you’ll be alone. We’ll be alone - together. Our quest will begin. Our quest for women.
H: I don’t want that. I like pussy, but I don’t want that.
D: SHUT UP! It doesn’t matter what you want. After you’ve fucked you way through hoards of whores you’ll be left feeling empty and unsatisfied… but I won’t be. I’ll be feeling more fulfilled than ever. HAHAHAHAH! You’re an idiot Hamish. HAHAHAHA!
H: This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard.

Hamish and his penis in conversation one evening.

- Dogman

Piss Fiend

Hi everyone, my name is Dogman and I'm a reformed public pisser. Many years ago I would piss in random letter boxes whilst out partying. I would always have friends with me so they could laugh at how clever I was. Sometimes they'd even join in on the fun (though not at the same letter box) and we'd piss together. That was funny for a while, but I needed more.

After a while I began to piss at the shops. My kidneys would kick into action whenever I would see something that could be pissed on. One time I pissed behind a Timezone machine, another time I pissed on a chair at the cinemas (after the film had finished and before the cleaners came in). Once I even pissed on a public phone. It made me feel... alive.

After a while pissing wasn't enough, so I ventured into territory where no PP had gone before. I became a public shitter. I began by trying to shit on a driveway one night. It's much more difficult than pissing, you truly have to need to shit. A pisser and summon piss at any moment, a shit required careful planning. If you're going to a party and plan to shit, you must first create a shit. Nourish it, grow it, respect it.

The ultimate act was taking shit on a car. One night, at a party (of course) I felt a shit begging for release. So I did what any aspiring shitter does, I gathered some comrades and searched for somewhere to off-load. This time it would be white Toyota - a Corolla if my memory is correct. I clambered onto the bonnet, dropped my pants and began to shit and piss. It was funny, in fact it was beyond funny. I would say it was probably one of the funniest undertakings ever. EVER.

I've stopped now, I'm no longer a PPer or PSer. I grew up. Thought I still find the mere thought of public pissery hilarious. I’ve lost the fire, the will, even the nerve. It takes guts to do this sort of thing. But I’ll always proudly look back and remember the days when I was known as the Piss Fiend.

- Dogman

Dogman's Cock College

First draw two parallel lines from left to right going upward at about 35 – 45 degrees (perhaps not perfectly parallel, I like it slightly fatter at the bottom), then draw a tear-drop at the top right end. On the lower line, draw a truly parallel line just above it, but slightly shorter at each end – shade the inner edges of those first lines ever so slightly (be gentle). Also shade the edge of the tear-drop on the left – just a touch. Now draw some scattered spider legs up and down the cylinder. Once you’ve done this you can either move up or down (from the base), I like to go down. With light hands – draw something like a half a tear-drop, make it much larger than the first and more “wrinkly”. Add in some spider legs/creases and shading around the edges, and some shading between the cylinder and large tear-drop (this is make or break right here). Now to finish it off, draw your best interpretation of grass at the topside of the base of the cylinder.

Here is the result if done correctly:

- Dogman


PS - I do apologise for the quality of the scan. I was at work and didn't really want anyone to see what I was doing (I felt like Seth from Superbad).

PPS - This was just an excuse to post a picture of a cock.

Lee's Comedy College

Dana Gould - Let Me Put My Thoughts In You (2009)

Dana Gould is a hero of alternative comedy and a respected comedian of that scene. He was around for The Ben Stiller Show, is friends with Bob Odenkirk and tours with Marc Maron. This is a really solid set. It's only 35 minutes and it's like a good meal that satisfies but leaves you wanting more. And seriously, how good is that title.

Lee's Comedy College

By the title it might seem that I will be teaching you the art of being funny. I wouldn't dare do this though, because you either have it or you don't, and as much wisdom as I could dish out, it'll never make you as funny as me. No, what I will be providing you with is a key to the world of the comedy album. Every week, I will be posting a new album from the Sullivan vaults. It's going to be a long, fun journey as all my favourite sets will be posted to expand your feeble minds.

SCHOOL IS NOW IN SESSION!!

We all love music albums here at BOTM, but not enough is ever said about stand-up albums. Just like music, there is the bad and the good. Sometimes a comedian I love will disappoint me with their new material, as if maybe they have lost some of that magic from that last masterpiece of a set. Perhaps they've softened in their new life since the last album or the first album was all the bits they have been doing for 10 years and now the new, less toiled over set doesn't match up. Or perhaps just as I'm starting to think they've lost what they once had, their new album arrives full of passion and wisdom and, well, everything that makes a great stand-up album so satisfying.

There are stand-up DVD's, which are a wonderful way to see the intricacies of the physicality of the act. But I prefer an album, something that leaves just enough to the imagination that you have to work with the performer to get the whole experience. There is just something so intimate about lying down on your couch or driving in your car and sitting back and listening to a set.

But all the analysis must come much later, after you've heard the album a couple of times and have just let it do it's job... to make you laugh. There can be moments in an album where you find yourself laughing at a point where the audience isn't, or you're not really 'getting it' while most of the audience is laughing uproariously, but that's what we're dealing with here. A true personal journey into comedy and it's ability to make us think and make us laugh.

ALBUM NO. 1

Doug Stanhope - Something To Take The Edge Off (2000)

Doug Stanhope is one of the great comedians currently working, along with Louis CK, David Cross, Patton Oswalt and a handful of others who made their own unique mark in the world of stand-up over the decade. Stanhope has emerged in recent years as a fearless social critic and raconteur afraid of nothing and standing as a role model to anyone that is willing to run their own lives without the fear of judgment from other people. I won't talk too much about him just yet, as we'll leave that for the comment section. So anyway sit back, go for a drive or, as I prefer with this album, go for a walk and enjoy the first album in our new series.

CLASS DISMISSED!!

- Lee

Things I Don't Like

"Once upon a time, in some out of the way corner of that universe which is dispersed into numberless twinkling solar systems, there was a star upon which clever beasts invented knowing." - Friedrich Nietzche

Be aware this is going to be painful and tedious to read, I hope you can enjoy it and join in on the disliking. Let the listing begin:

• Sunday night when I have to work early on Monday, somehow it takes away the weekend feeling.

• The majority of women who work in an office environment. I should be more specific really, not all, not even majority, just women with ‘PA’ or even worse ‘EA’ in their job title.

• People who prefer cats to dogs.

• Sunrise/Today. I can’t believe how quickly those shows destroy time. Has anyone actually stopped to think how shitty they really are? Think about it, over the course of 3 hours they have 6x 10 minute news reports, and then they have mindless banter between hosts for 6x 3mins, 1x 15min cooking segment, followed by Kochie’s joke of the day. At first I thought it must be hard to make a show like this, especially when its 3 hours every day. Then I realised it was so mind numbingly formulaic that any dope could do it. Even Karl Stefanovic did it drunk… actually that was better than all 45 hours (yeah FORTY-FIVE HOURS, ABC2 have their own show too, slightly less crappy) of breakfast show television that week put together.

• Bouncers.

• Any club in the city that has even the slightest air of self-importance. If I have to line up, dress up, pay to get in… consider it part of this list (I’m sure all those places are deeply offended too)

• Working early.

• Working late.

• Working.

• Daylight savings. Changing the time just gives me the shits. Why don’t these dickheads from WA do it to, are they too good? I just think if we’re gonna every state should do it (or not).

• Those who talk shit about McDonald's. You get these fat people who’re all like “oh I wouldn’t eat McDonald's, that stuff’s terrible for you”, or these ex employees who say they won’t eat. Well I’ve been eating it for years and have never gotten sick (actually I got sick once) and I’m trim and healthy as a mule.

• Feminism

• Racism

• Judaism

• Eden *

• First names as surnames that end with an ‘S’. E.g. Matthews, Stevens, Johns, etc. The surname ‘Wagstaff’ gives me the shits too.

• People who don’t shut up about manual cars and are all like, “oh I could never drive an auto”.

• The sound of ringing phones, or the sound of a phone on silent vibrating on a wooden surface.

• People who are always negative.

• Traffic lights. Well ones that make you wait a long time.

• Holding lifts for other people. This is why when I walk into a lift, I try not to turn around. Seriously, who wants to hold the lift for other people? I sure as fuck don’t, and you know what? I don’t want people holding the lift for me, because I don’t like:

• People.

This might be the stupidest blog yet. However, I’ve always thought about writing a list of stuff that irks me. Funny how it’s my longest one yet, I probably should read some of my earlier posts. If you don’t like the this article:

• People who don’t like this article.


- Dogman


* Eden is one of the best people I've ever met.

The Theories of Efficiency: Mobility in the 21st Century, and Beyond

It's time to examine the way we move, something which has been neglected for too long. Let us begin.

Walking Backwards

Walking backwards isn't easier when you're on a level surface, this technique should only be used when going up. You might not be able to see how this is easier, but please let me explain: When you walk forwards up a hill, you lift your entire leg with each step, bending the knee joint and hip joint - a completely unnecessary step if you ask me. If you walk backwards, you only need to bend your knees. Go ahead, next time you're faced with a hill, walk backwards, some may laugh (if they've still got the breath left after all that forwards walking) but you'll be pleasantly surprised by its outstanding efficiency. The only way to improve on this would be to invent a knee joint that bent both ways, that way you could enjoy then benefits of walking backward and still see what’s in front of you.


All Fours

Did you ever scamper up the stairs on all fours as a kid? I did, and it was efficient as fuck. I was able to conquer a staircase with ease because my body weight was spread over 4 limbs. Can you imagine how easily you could race up a set of stairs if your legs had to lift only half the weight? If you have stairs at home try it please, if you’re going to attempt this in public you might want to get stair-gloves (more like wrist guards, its funnier):


If you don’t have these you’ll get dirty and could contract a serious bout of HBP, it’s possible you won’t get over that for weeks.

And now for my most radical idea, this will revolutionise human travel:


Skipping

In the future, all will skip. There is no doubt about it, everyone knows how to do it and everyone likes it. It’s fast and it’s efficient. I can skip really fast (let’s race), next time you see me I will be skipping. I am serious.

- Dogman


Post Script: I was chatting with a colleague about efficient means of travel when he suggested a rather curious and arcane method - the Piggy-back. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it, I believe it should be included in this manifesto in some form (if only a "PS"), as on one hand it violates the laws of efficiency (for the piggy-backer) but on the other hand it flourishes as a way to travel with almost no effort at all (for the piggy-backee). One to think about my efficient friends.

Read Part 1 in this series: Equality and Effectiveness in the Lavatory.

The Theories of Efficiency: Equality and Effectiveness in the Lavatory

I've been trained to leave the toilet seat down, my whole life I've been raised to believe that this is what I should do, this is what I must do... but who really wins? Women. Who raised me? Women. See a trend? Yes, you do.

You might be thinking that leaving the toilet seat down after taking a piss is reasonable (whether you're a male or female), but please, allow me to enlighten you with a couple of ideas that could change the way you use the toilet, forever.

The main idea I'd like get across is the act of lifting the seat up and down resting solely on the male. The current school of thought around the globe (in western countries anyway) is that the toilet seat should be down and all times, lifted by the male when he needs to piss, and returned to the down position when he is done. This seems reasonable, but it isn't. In the interest of efficient toilet usage for all humans, the load must be shared. The improved, modern method is simple: You position the seat the way you require it to be.

For instance: if I need to take a piss, I lift the seat, piss, flush and walk away. If 1 hour later I need to piss again, the seat is already up, I piss again, no need to inflict needless wear-and-tear on those hinges. The way it stands now I'm forever lifting the seat up and down, needlessly abusing the seat. So if Brooke needs to take a piss, she puts the seat down (the seat in this example has only been moved once, see the efficiency?). The seat is already going to be down a lot of the time anyway, men take dumps and sometimes pee sitting down (I know I do).

This leads me to my second point, the issue of equality. Feminists around the world are going to be applauding my idea, and hopefully, a new age of toilet etiquette will be ushered in swiftly. Putting the toilet seat down is akin to opening a car door, does a woman really need my help to put down a tiny little toilet seat? I think not, women have shown they’re capable, they can clean toilets – proof that they can indeed move the seat.

Remember my friends, no unnecessary seat movements. We’re all in this together.

- Dogman

I Am Man

Eighteen

Art (ala Bovino)

Yeewwww!

Man

Humiliation

Slumber

Fornication

Magic

I hope you have enjoyed this exposition of emotion, as much as I enjoyed birthing it.

After reading Eden's article on evolution, on how man has perhaps... lost his ability to 'live in the moment', it got me thinking about art. Art is the domain of man, it is something which animals have not even forgotten how to do, they never knew about it in the first place! Humans 1, Animals 0.

- Dogman