Monday, November 9, 2009

The Theories of Efficiency: Mobility in the 21st Century, and Beyond

It's time to examine the way we move, something which has been neglected for too long. Let us begin.

Walking Backwards

Walking backwards isn't easier when you're on a level surface, this technique should only be used when going up. You might not be able to see how this is easier, but please let me explain: When you walk forwards up a hill, you lift your entire leg with each step, bending the knee joint and hip joint - a completely unnecessary step if you ask me. If you walk backwards, you only need to bend your knees. Go ahead, next time you're faced with a hill, walk backwards, some may laugh (if they've still got the breath left after all that forwards walking) but you'll be pleasantly surprised by its outstanding efficiency. The only way to improve on this would be to invent a knee joint that bent both ways, that way you could enjoy then benefits of walking backward and still see what’s in front of you.

All Fours

Did you ever scamper up the stairs on all fours as a kid? I did, and it was efficient as fuck. I was able to conquer a staircase with ease because my body weight was spread over 4 limbs. Can you imagine how easily you could race up a set of stairs if your legs had to lift only half the weight? If you have stairs at home try it please, if you’re going to attempt this in public you might want to get stair-gloves (more like wrist guards, its funnier):

If you don’t have these you’ll get dirty and could contract a serious bout of HBP, it’s possible you won’t get over that for weeks.

And now for my most radical idea, this will revolutionise human travel:


In the future, all will skip. There is no doubt about it, everyone knows how to do it and everyone likes it. It’s fast and it’s efficient. I can skip really fast (let’s race), next time you see me I will be skipping. I am serious.

- Dogman

Post Script: I was chatting with a colleague about efficient means of travel when he suggested a rather curious and arcane method - the Piggy-back. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it, I believe it should be included in this manifesto in some form (if only a "PS"), as on one hand it violates the laws of efficiency (for the piggy-backer) but on the other hand it flourishes as a way to travel with almost no effort at all (for the piggy-backee). One to think about my efficient friends.

Read Part 1 in this series: Equality and Effectiveness in the Lavatory.


  1. hehe- skipping is fast, ill race you anytime !!

    I wont try the all fours- the risk of HBP is too high.

  2. I have to say the skipping last night was hard to discredit.

    Also I agree with running up stairs like that. It is almost like climbing like a monkey.

    Still not sold on the backwards hill walking though


  3. Check out this hypocrite:

    The monkeys have it all over us when it comes to going up stairs, all fours in the way of the future.

    Same with backwards walking... you saw me do it man... you saw it with your own eyes!

  4. lollllll that backwards walking one is ridiculous.. "If you walk backwards, you only need to bend your knees". Try walking backwards up hill bending ONLY your knee joint. Not only is it extremely inefficient but you look like a fckn retard! There is no debate here that walking forwards uphill is more efficent.. Have you heard of a little thing called evolution? We have evolved to make it easier walking forwards not backwards. Hahahha Hamish bringing the lulz as always.

  5. You even fear to post with your own name... pfftt. My ideas might be radical, and I might be a dreamer... but I only want the best for all humanity. Even you my anon friend.