Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Theories of Efficiency: Equality and Effectiveness in the Lavatory

I've been trained to leave the toilet seat down, my whole life I've been raised to believe that this is what I should do, this is what I must do... but who really wins? Women. Who raised me? Women. See a trend? Yes, you do.

You might be thinking that leaving the toilet seat down after taking a piss is reasonable (whether you're a male or female), but please, allow me to enlighten you with a couple of ideas that could change the way you use the toilet, forever.

The main idea I'd like get across is the act of lifting the seat up and down resting solely on the male. The current school of thought around the globe (in western countries anyway) is that the toilet seat should be down and all times, lifted by the male when he needs to piss, and returned to the down position when he is done. This seems reasonable, but it isn't. In the interest of efficient toilet usage for all humans, the load must be shared. The improved, modern method is simple: You position the seat the way you require it to be.

For instance: if I need to take a piss, I lift the seat, piss, flush and walk away. If 1 hour later I need to piss again, the seat is already up, I piss again, no need to inflict needless wear-and-tear on those hinges. The way it stands now I'm forever lifting the seat up and down, needlessly abusing the seat. So if Brooke needs to take a piss, she puts the seat down (the seat in this example has only been moved once, see the efficiency?). The seat is already going to be down a lot of the time anyway, men take dumps and sometimes pee sitting down (I know I do).

This leads me to my second point, the issue of equality. Feminists around the world are going to be applauding my idea, and hopefully, a new age of toilet etiquette will be ushered in swiftly. Putting the toilet seat down is akin to opening a car door, does a woman really need my help to put down a tiny little toilet seat? I think not, women have shown they’re capable, they can clean toilets – proof that they can indeed move the seat.

Remember my friends, no unnecessary seat movements. We’re all in this together.

- Dogman


  1. I gotta say, I have this feeling that I read this somewhere before and I'm recycling the idea... however, this is super funny and trumps any article that's similar.

  2. I think you have broken new grounds in the pressing issues of the said field.

    Can you go into more detail about when and why you piss sitting down?

  3. I piss sitting down late at night and early in the morning, generally when standing up is a hassle. Not only is it comfortable, but it gives me an insight into what its like being a woman. As you can see by the seat lifting resting solely on the male, this insight into the other gender is something that women are clearly uninterested in. As a man of the world (nay the Universe), I'm keen to experience the way others live... so I guess that's why I pee sitting down.

  4. You speak an undeniable logic my friend. I feel compelled to follow your ways. I am going to piss sitting down next time I piss!

  5. I have when presented with a filthy seat. Actually I'd call it more of a squat.

  6. The toilet seat looks better down my love. And i will personally buy a new seat for the toilet if the hinges wear out x

  7. Stop trying to argue with the man Brock. His logic is undeniable