Why Shithead is NOT awesome

“Hey guys I got a cool card game we can play. It’s called Shithead…”

These are the words of an unsuspecting young man who would later go on to truly push the boundaries shitheadiness.

***

Shithead is a game of humiliation; the aim is to rid yourself of all your cards before at least one other person. If you are left with cards, you are the shithead. There is a vast array of rules which you can read here, but really you won’t understand how to play until you play one full game. After that you should be sweet (although you will probably take a while to get used to the sevens. And always remember to pick up a card after you put one down if the deck isn’t finished).

The fatal night was a Monday, the 7th day of February; the year, 2010. A six player game of 5 cards down shithead had commenced. All were excited to do a little boggin on the noggin of some unfortunate soul. The mood was jovial, the air free of the stench that would later be emanating out of a certain curly cranium. Lee made an early exit guaranteeing himself the added advantage of taking shithead’s two best cards at the start of the next game. But as the players began to clear out, Eden Clarke - a keen shithead player, feared in most circles due to a solid understanding of the craft - found himself in a dangerous position of becoming first shithead of the night. Sure enough, he failed to escape the dreaded tag. “Shithead!” they cried in unison. The insults raining down like a spray of diarrhoea.

Typical layout of 3 card Shithead. 3 face down, 3 face up and 3 in the hand.

Eden cut his teeth learning the craft of Shithead overseas, playing under various rules and environments against an international field of opponents. Although not able to mimic the achievements of the likes of El “oohh look at me I have played 30 games without being Shithead” loco**, he was a confident player, capable of avoiding shithead but for the most unfortunate of blind card draws.

It was time for number two. Eager to rid himself of the tag, Eden dealt out the cards himself. However, he was forced to hand over two tens to Lee as punishment for having his baby face laced with gravy waste. This would prove pivotal as he found himself with one face down card left and a chance to end Luke’s frustratingly awesome run. But needing to beat a seven (i.e. go seven or lower) he drew an eight. The card proved fatal, and Luke escaped the downfall of shit like a toilet supporting an ever constipated bowel. But his day will surely come. Eden, meanwhile, had just completed a fecal sequel.

Double shithead is a loathsome outcome for any aspiring shithead player. To say one won’t understand the game unless one has played it is true. But what is more true is that one cannot understand the humiliation of being shithead until all of one’s best friends point their fingers at one’s shitty shitty head; taunting one with the most creative of defecation defamation. There is no escape, no toilet paper, no hiding of the skidmarks…only shit on one’s head. And when one becomes double shithead, the humiliation is more than doubled. That shit becomes the head. But our story doesn’t end here…

 Having been crucified with a crown of brown it seemed impossible but as it is now written in the craptures of shithead: On the third game the stench would rise again. No amount of skill, agility or Imodium would save Eden. It was his destiny. He was easily bundled out, becoming Turdhead the third. His excreture feature leaving him the unenviable status:

Triple Shithead

** Luke is touted by many as a future hall of famer – Eden himself is earmarked as a potential hall of shamer

P.S. One can only imagine the horrors if Eden had continued on to take out a fourth straight shithead. I, for one, would surely have run out of witty shit quips by then. But luckily the fourth and final game of Shithead was taken out by Shelly. Just thought I’d put that out there…I am not the reigning Shithead.