Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Suburbs - Food Chains and Karma

Terry had just got back from a long run. He was exhausted. As he entered the front door he called out to his brother. No response. Must have gone out, he thought to himself. He untied his shoes and took off his socks. He then decided to relish in the freedom and took off his shirt, shorts and undies. Usually with these rare moments of freedom he would be stationed at the computer while sporting similar attire, but this time he was just planning to go cool off in the pool. He stood at the pool edge, naked, basking in the hot summer Sun. His thangle dangled but he dismissed concerns over the neighbours watching – Old lady Saunders could use the excitement. He lowered himself into the pool but before completely submerging he saw an ant, its six legs were kicking wildly, struggling to stay afloat on the precarious balance of surface tension. Terry cupped a tiny pool beneath the insect, lifting and splashing it onto the pavement. He ducked his head under the surface and let the soothing life source cool his body.


Surrounded by water! Swim to safety! Surrounded by water! Swim to safety! Surrounded by water! Swim to safety! Surrounded by water! Swim to safety! Surrounded by wa-Land? Land! Stand up. Cough out water. Breathe. Injured? No. Need to dry. Walk to drier land. Wipe water off. Walk. Need to find the colony. Walk. Walk. Need to find the colony. Walk.
“Hey look! It’s Tiklon! He survived! Hey Tiklon, the line is over here!”
Receive call of fellow ants. Locate and respond.
“Hey guys, `sup!”
“Tiklon! You wandered out of the line again. I thought you were fucked for sure!”
“Nah man, you know I escape that shit. Is how I do!”
“Oh baby, you for real gangsta. Ha Ha!”
“Oi! cut the shit you two or I’ll shove both your asses into Lake Death.”
“But Sarge, he survived La-”
“I said cut the shit. Old Lady Saunders left her window open and fell asleep and we got 3 million mouths to feed so MOVE!”
Obey Sarge. Join line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Ooh what’s that over there? Inspect.
“Tiklon! Get the fuck back in the line!”
Obey Sarge. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line. Follow line.


Misty was surrounded by marshmallow clouds of pillowy fluff. A million duck feathers cushioned into the a million quilts. She lay, curled in a perfect ball, atop the heavenly bed, purring the most content purr any cat had ever purred. A strange scent came and disrupted her sleep senses. She returned to the disappointing reality, curled in awkward ball atop Old Lady Saunders’ hard linoleum floor. Lifting her left eyelid barely enough to see through the haze of sleep she saw a single ant carrying a piece of her cat food. It caught her attention and she sat up. The ant dropped the piece of food and looked around. It saw its companions’ linear progression in the distance, grabbed its prize and scurried back to the ant line. Misty watch with amusement and followed the ant with her gaze as it headed towards the open window. It then went- Wait! Open Window! She jumped up and saw that Old Lady Saunders was asleep. She had a chance to be outside! She had never been outside before! She discreetly crept up to the widow sill! She made sure not to ring the bell hanging from her neck! She took her first steps into the real world! She jumped down on the roof from the second story window! She saw a dog across the road! No fun. She saw a naked boy swimming! Water? No fun. She saw a bird land on the roof of the neighbours building trying to swallow a moth! FUN! FUN! FUN! She jumped onto a tree and traversed its bridging branch to the neighbours roof. She hunkered down instinctually on all fours! She pounced!


“Let me eat you, you CAWksucker! CAWly Shit, it’s a cat!”
Cawry flies away just in time but drops his moth in the process.
“CAW that was close! Nearly got CAWt! And you made me drop my moth, you CAWnt!”


“C’mon mate, jus give it up orright,” Boris the Spider was trying to make good on a bee that landed in his web. However, the little buzzer was putting up a good fight. Able to twist itself just enough to point its stinger at Boris every time he tried to move in for a bite. Suddenly a giant moth fell from the sky and became entangled in the mesh.
“`Ello `ello `ello. What’s all viss then.” Boris sized up the large, unthreatening food against the small, angry food. “Looks like it’s your lucky day, guvner. What say we call some sort a truce then, ey?” With a tap of his web, the bee was released.
“Gracias Señor Araña,” the bee said as he flew away.
But Boris underestimated his web tapping abilities and the vibration resonated to the moth and with a beat of its wings it flew away.
“Oi! Come back `ere you cheeky fuck!”


Ay Dios mio, que suerte!
(Oh My God, how lucky !)
Ahora quiero tomar tiempo para decir algo a mi mujer.
(After all that’s happened I need a drink.)
Quesita, mi amor, feliz anniversario, bebe. Estoy pensando en ti siempre. Tanto felicidad me has traido.
(Ah over there is a big lake, but i think that is the lake the ants call Lake Death.)
Siga en tu vida conmigo a tu lado. Te apoyo, te abrazo, te beso, te quiero!
(But look! There is a body with water on top. I will drink there!)


Terry, fresh from his cooling swim and still confidently naked, lay on his stomach. The bee lands on his back. The bee drinks some water. Terry feels a tingling itch. Terry rolls over. The bee panics. The bee stings him. Terry is allergic to bees. Terry says ‘Oh fuck.’ Terry begins to have a reaction. Terry passes out.

Old Lady Saunders, fresh from her doze and finished killing off the ants, goes back to her window to watch the eye candy. Old Lady Saunders notices something is wrong. Old Lady Saunders goes out to check on Terry. Old Lady Saunders rings the doorbell. Old Lady Saunders is not responded to. Old Lady Saunders goes out back through the gate and into the pool area. Old Lady Saunders tries to shake him awake. Old Lady Saunders takes the chance to touch Terry’s privates. Old Lady Saunders calls an ambulance.

Sexy Paramedic Sammy, fresh from the rush of saving a life, looks down warmly at her naked patient. Sexy Paramedic Sammy sees Terry open his eyes. Sexy Paramedic Sammy sees Terry smile. Sexy Paramedic Sammy smiles back.


  1. Even with my elementary Spanish, I see what you did there. I love you too.

    Cool shit again man.

  2. Hey Eden... that's not the right translation for every single Spanish Word that u have written there... Why are u so shy to express all your feelings and love for me??
    Love U too anyway!

  3. Je t'aime aussi mon ami x

    Another masterpiece - I love the ye old English of Boris the spider lol