Wednesday, January 13, 2010

“There’s someone in my head but it’s not me”

A man on the brink of insanity enters a room. There is a white table with a gun on it. There are two chairs on opposite sides of the table. One empty and the other occupied by a man who shares an exact likeness to that of the first man. The first man sits in the empty seat.

Man 1: Are you me?
Man 2: I am what you call the mind.
1: My mind?
2: No.
1: You are some form of over mind? Like a mother ship?
2: No I am the mind of the body you see. Nothing more.
1: But that is my body. So you are my mind.
2: No.
1: No?
2: You don’t exist. Therefore, I cannot belong to you.
1: How can that be? I am here. In body and mind.
2: I am the mind here, in this body.
1: But it is mine. I see, hear, feel with it. I smell and I taste.
2: Yes those sensations exist, but it isn’t you. The senses are not yours. You did not sense them.
1: Yes I did. I exist, I am sure of that. Perhaps you don’t exist.
2: I am the mind. I control the body. I am instinct, a culmination of past lessons.
1: But that is all me.
2: You don’t exist.
1: How can you say that?! I am here aware of body and mind.
2: But your awareness has no bearing, no influence. No tangible ground upon which to lay claim.
1: I claim this body and mind.
2: That is inconsequential. I can claim presidency of the United States but that is not so.
1: But I have choice. It is me who decides your fate. I guide you. I am choice if nothing else.
2: You have no choice. All actions are the sum of genetics within this vessel you wrongfully deem yourself. Genetics and the moments that have been experienced up to the exact point of action.
1: But I experienced those moments. I made the decision.
2: Perhaps you were aware of their occurrence and understood the logic of the course of action that was eventually taken. But this ‘decision’ was nothing but a calculated reaction, a reflex, by myself based on preserving and increasing my domain. It is written into me by an ever unfolding destiny.
1: I spell out your destiny. My destiny! The memory is my domain for consideration. The choices were mine.
2: The memory you possess is a vacuum. It exists nowhere. True memory is in the reflexes of nerves and muscles. In the inevitable learning of the reactionary brain. The spider must build its web and its memory is in the fine tuning of each new abode over years of experience.
1: And how does the spider choose where to build its home?
2: It doesn’t choose. It simply knows when it knows and begins to build. It exists.
1: Let's say its web is partially destroyed and the weather is rough. How does it decide to stay or not?
2: There is no decision. It stays or it moves on.
1: But what if it stays, but the weather is too strong. And it would have been better for the spider to have left.
2: There is no better.
1: What if it dies for its decision. Are you saying to live would not be better than death.
2: Then it dies. Naturally selected to pass on. A different spider would leave and go to know of new webs.
1: This is stupid. What if the wrong spider-
2: There is no right or wrong.
1: Shut up! Just-OK, what if the dead spider hadn’t died but suffered a great deal. What if next time it is faced with the same situation. This time it would surely decide to leave, learning from its mistake.
2: You chase your tail with pointless hypotheticals. You said it yourself. The spider has learned. Another line of lore inscribed in its DNA. There is no decision present.
1: OK enough of the spider! I am not a spider. I am human, evolved into critical thought. My hypotheticals improve my knowledge, they offer me a greater capacity, a better capacity, to make decisions. I preserve and grow my domain beyond that of the lesser life forms.
2: You are not human. Nor are you beyond the value of a spider. I am human, without value. Still operating according to nature.
1: And I am not? You operate according to me!
2: You should not have eaten the apple. And now are too proud to admit it.
1: What? The apple? You quote scripture? You claim to know all but have a fairytale as your point of reference. You believe in God?
2: I believe in the truth of nature. It is you who believes in God; seeking a truth beyond that which lies within all of nature; claiming to be nature itself; finding nothing but false deities and ego.
1: Ego? So does my ego exist? Is it wrong for me have an ego?
2: It exists as much as your God. Wrong cannot exist. To act is to act as nature has determined. You do not do this, therefore you cannot exist.
1: You are wrong!
2: There is no right and-
1: Shut up!
2: Only life. Only nat-
1: Shut up!!
2: All is one.
1: SHUT THE FUCK UP! What is this?! What is this, this emotion I feel? Deny that!
2: Emotion is another of your misconstrued beliefs. Love is the closest you come to pinpointing the emotion felt mentally and physically by this being.
1: By ME! I know Love. I have felt it.
2: You know nothing of it. All this knowledge you claim. Such intelligence you possess, yet you tag something as great as Love to your misleading dogmas and false hopes. Love is the energy of nature driving us all forward. Beckoning us to live and grow. Love is but a fantasy to you, inspiring a confidence in your ego. Acting as an idol of regret to which you worship.
1: No. I know Love. With my friends and family.
2: You attach love to people like a price tag to your finest work of art.
1: No I protect loved ones from fears and-
2: Fear is love. You do not understand it. All is one. Fear helps preserve and challenge everything. It culls the weak and is a seed for love when nurtured correctly.
1: But who nurtures it?
2: We continue around again. Continue to chase. The tail again just out of reach. You cycle through thoughts like a two dimensional O. It is nature that nurtures itself. Striving upwards like the double helix, moment to moment, evolving into the infinite.
1: But where does this infinite start? Where did nature begin?
2: What concept is this? A beginning. An ending. It is inconsequential thought. You knew your thoughts were unripe in your ‘beginning’ and yet you continue to feed from that tree. How well do you claim to know this sensation of taste?
1: NO! STOP! You are not right! I am the pinnacle of evolution!
2: Your ego betrays you.
1: I know Love! I have choice!

The man picks up the gun and puts it to his temple.

1: This is as nature intended! An ill mind needs to meet its end and I CHOOSE to carry out the task because I am part of nature. I am Nature! I am God!

The gun fires.


"It’s only me, it’s not my mind" – The Beatles
Title quote from Pink Floyd

- Eden (while listening to Black Sheep Boy by Okkervil River, and perhaps borrowing a touch from Fight Club)


  1. Wow, intense.

    Do, or do not. There is no try.

  2. so good man, i don't know how you expanded your vocabulary so well. Did you have a thesaurus with you?? Seriously though, what a piece. It sort of sums up that back and forth all of us can go through with existentialism. How long did this take to write?

  3. bout an hour handwritten, after i started with a different idea in mind. About a quarter in it had become this. Very free flowing. Then I typed it out and fine tuned it a little.

    Must be your influence giving me the extended vocab

  4. Woah... Very clever indeed! I love it.

    "You cycle through thoughts like a two dimensional O"

    "Your thoughts are unripe from the beginning"

    I see that meditation is having a positive effect. Nice.