Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Diary of an Elitist

January 5th

Hey Diary,

I didn’t want to write ‘Dear Diary’ it’s just so overused don’t you think? And this is just our first meeting so it’s not like I’m going to be all love at first sight. We’re just getting to know each other. Very cliché (it’s cliché to say something’s cliché).

Anyways, where to start? Well, I guess I should say that I’ve started you because Jonny left for his holiday today and now I’m a little lonely. I mean I can’t talk to anyone like I can talk with him. I guess the first thing I have to get used to is seeing movies by myself. We swore to ourselves that we would see at least one movie a week no matter what, so even if we can’t do it together, we will keep it up. I mean I have to keep up my movie blog don’t I? I’ve got 10 followers now!!!! I might message a few of them and try get them on Facebook, see if they want to leave some comments on the site. I’ll keep you posted!

As for the site, last week I blogged about Transformers 2 (ugh!). I gave it minus 1 star(s), the first time any movie has achieved that rating from me. I would tell you why, but after sitting through it, and then writing about it I think I would be sick if I spent any more energy commenting on it.

Well I’m gonna go watch some Family Guy (seasons 1-3 of course!!!) before I go to work so I better head off. Nice introduction I think. Like our own Act I! I wonder what story arcs and character development await us in Act II!!


January 10th

So get this, I’m at work and this Neanderthal co-worker is talking to me with his limited vocabulary. I’m barely half listening (mainly because he doesn’t require more than 30% of my attention to be understood) and he says, AND I QUOTE!:

Neanderthal: You can’t deny that Linkin Park make amazing music.”
Sam: “What? Next you’re going to tell me that Sum 41 are the next Pink Floyd,”
[Sam delivers his line with supreme condescension]
Neanderthal: “Pink Floyd? Pssh,”

Huh! I couldn’t let it finish there so I told him off! Told him music died with John Lennon and that he should research some of the 1970s before he talks ‘amazing music’ with me again. He walked off. I think he learnt his lesson.

January 13th

Heya buddy!

I just finished reading the screenplay for Adaptation. WOW! They say the book is always better than the movie; well with Charlie Kaufman, the screenplay is better! One day I will write something like that. Something to make people think. Something with reasons behind each motion and consequences following decisions. Characters that search for purpose and find love and lose it.

Other big news? I bought my mum a deluxe edition of Citizen Kane for her birthday. She was so happy. While we were watching it she started telling me something (of course I pressed pause to make sure we didn’t miss anything), she says that I should check my blog. “After the movie mum,” I reminded her. I never stop a movie once I start watching it.

So I get on the laptop after I dried the tears. Kane gets me every time. I checked my site and guess what? I had like seven comments on my latest blog! Seven! And Jonny wasn’t even one of them! They all said they agreed with my views on Iron Man 2 and why Favreau tainted what could have been a great franchise.

Life is good!!!

January 18th

I’m so happy! Life is going great! I got more and more comments on my website. It is building a real following! I wrote a huge article about the 5 best and 5 worst directors of our time. One of my followers told me to send it to IMDB to see if they want to put it on their hit list. What a cool idea! I emailed a few people who have been reading my blog, hope to get some replies soon.

What else? Hmm I can’t remember- oh wait yes I can! I got a date! I girl from work. Tania James. Granted she isn’t the hottest girl I ever seen but beggars can’t be choosers. Heheh, no she is pretty…in a Hermione sort of way you know. Maybe after seeing her face for 7 years or so I can get used to it and find her mildly attractive. Plus her name sounds like it’s from a movie. I might ask her if I can put it in my screenplay.

Date is tomorrow.

Can’t wait!

January 20th

Step up 3D or Sex and the City 2?
I’ll repeat: Step Up 3D or Sex and the City 2?

What kind of fucked up ultimatum is that? I told her I didn’t want to see either of those two shitty movies. Might as well go back to my place and hire Wild Hogs while we’re at it? “Oh I love that movie, we can go back to mine because I have it on DVD!” WTF!?

So that’s what we did…Yeah I know I swore I would never watch cheap crap like that again but at least it was free; I wasn’t contributing to any idiot blockbuster box office. I didn’t laugh once. She asked me what’s wrong. “What’s wrong with me? How about what’s wrong with Martin Lawrence? Guy used to be funny…”

I used to say you couldn’t pay me to watch a shitty movie like that…well apparently just get some acne troll to flash her braces in front of me and I will buckle. I feel sick. I didn’t even get a kiss…

January 24th

I checked Facebook. I only do it once a month because I want to remain free from it’s stranglehold. 1 notification. “Liz Jeffries has invited you to dine at her new Facebook Restaurant’s Grand Opening!!” I deleted her.

I checked Jonny’s page cos I hadn’t heard from him in a while. He has like 40 new friends. He posted a video of the new Coldplay single. We hate Coldplay. He became a fan of Scrubs season 8. Scrubs was shit after season 5. Fuck it, season 5 sucked as well. Anyway he was online while I was. I asked if he had been reading my movie reviews but he didn’t reply. I waited like 30 minutes…

January 27th

At work today I saw Tania James talking with a group of people in the workroom. Everyone was laughing their heads off cos some new guy was making jokes. I went over to listen. I was feeling sad and could use some humour to cheer me up. Abe Williams his name was. Abe Williams is apparently the funniest guy out because he knows how to quote Dane Cook jokes. Everybody was killing themselves laughing. I didn’t get it. It’s not funny…I’m sure Cook would appreciate the irony of someone getting popular by stealing his jokes.

I spoke to Tania afterwards and she said she didn’t want to see me anymore. I told her I had a cool movie for us to watch: There Will Be Blood. She said she had seen it in the movies; left after 45 minutes. I called her a dumb bitch. Told her she should at least put out to make up for her deficiencies in intelligence. She slapped me. Maybe I will put this in my screenplay, but I won’t use Tania James. It’s a shitty name. Not as good as Sonya Times…fuck

February 1st

I didn’t laugh once today.

February 3rd

I got some emails back from my readers. Why no exclamation marks you ask? Well after reading them it became apparent what has happened. My mum had been pretending to be other people and commenting on my blogs. She wasn’t even clever enough to change her email address…

Sam: Why did you do it?
Sam’s Mum: Do what?
Sam: Are you pretending to be all of the new readers who came in the last few weeks?”
Sam’s Mum: “No…I-”
[Sam’s Mum stutters and struggles to hold eye contact cos she is a dirty liar]
Sam’s Mum: Your sister did a few of them…Sam, I just wanted to see you happy…”

I can’t believe this. I’m gonna stop writing. I’m just a little pretentious fuck with no friends. I will keep this diary filed away so that in the future it will be in the museum of shit that noone cares about. Oh yeah that was heaps witty, Sam! You should be like a writer or something. You’re so fucking clever and articulate and can reference the best movies and music and comedy of the last 50 years. Wow! but who gives a shit if you can’t quote Charlie Sheen’s latest sex joke?
Fuck this, I’m out.


February 21st

You know I’ve been thinking…I come on really strong about my passion for films, music and whatnot, but to other people they just don’t give a shit and they end up thinking I’m a weirdo. ‘So what if it is the same chords as another song? It sounds good’; ‘Who cares if he has been nominated for and Oscar? There’s no explosions?’; ‘But I thought Shrek 2 was funny.’ When I tell them to listen to albums the whole way through, they tell me that would be boring - Well listen to more interesting music! When I tell them Friends was never funny and I get more laughs reading the obituary section of the newspaper they look at me like I’m the guy who called the cops at the underage keg party. When I tell them Hollywood films are predictable three part storytelling with template structures more tragic than these over thought quips and references that I am writing out right now, they say they like predictable movies. What am I missing? I can’t find anybody to share my ideas with. Jonny, who knew me best, ditched me at the first chance possible; the internet ignores me to the point that my mum poses as my secret admirer and every girl I meet has Team Faggot Werewolf t-shirts.

But you know something funny happened and that’s why I’m starting this new diary. I thought it would be nice to share my misery with the world. I transcripted my diary and posted it on my website. Somebody else suggested it on the IMDB Hit list.

Sam: “C’mon Mum I’ve had enough, alright. This is just sad”
Sam’s Mum: “What?”
Sam: “You know what?”
[Sam’s Mum stares at Sam blankly. Now Sam knows good acting; Sam knows his mother; Sam knows his mother is a terrible actor. Sam’s face softens as a spark of lost hope reignites inside.]
Sam: “So who posted it?”

[Sam runs back to his room and checks his blog. Hits! Comments! Hundreds of them! He scrolls through struggling to take it all in.
Close up of tears rolling down his smiling face.
Quick cuts between the mouse scrolling and close ups of comments praising him.
He types IMDB in the address bar – I got it as my homepage but it’s clearer to the viewer this way – Slowly, suspensefully he scrolls to the hit list.
Close up “Diary of An Elitist”
Cut quickly to “from”]

Sorry, I’d love to chat more but I have to practice my script writing you know.

I’m so happy! To quote Barton Fink

Barton: I'm a writer, you monsters! I create! I create for a living! I'm a creator! I am a creator!
[points to his head]
Barton: This is my uniform!

Time to go dancing!!


  1. Haha Sonya Times. That is a good name!

  2. That sucked man... I can't believe you didn't like Friends :/

    But seriously, Barton Fink is awesome