Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I find myself at the moment in a strange position emotionally. From a young age I have journeyed through a natural shyness, older brothers that bullied me a little bit, a general fear of failing or appearing bad at something. All of this has lead me to be fairly averse to showing too much emotion. It could only take a super funny joke, or a day at the football get me to sway from the middle and express some joy.
On top of this I have spent the last few years learning practices such as meditation and yoga that have helped me quell any negativity and maintaining a positive attitude in most situations. This practice has also improved my expression of positive emotion a little bit but I still generally only emote through sarcasm, backhand compliments and faceless blogs.

I have been quite proud of this for most of my life. It gives me that centred calm that helps me stay rational and make important decisions under stress. It’s helping me become a man! But that centred calm could also be called an emotional vacancy and I am starting to crave a little more liberation with my true feelings. I think another contributing factor was missing out on sex for so long.

The only time I can really let loose is with alcohol but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let this be my only outlet. I don’t want to become dependant on any substance and alcohol fuelled nights rarely ended well.

So now I have to ask myself: Is it a benefit or a hindrance that I can be so unfazed by so many things. Sure it helps me take a risk or do a dare but it also encourages a caged soul. I guess it is important to consider the fact- ahh you know what, who cares…


  1. what's with the IV picture? lol
    Yeah i'm pretty indifferent to most situations as well, using meditation and my mind to be able to detach myself emotionally. Not really sure if it's a good thing or not, but it's the way I am, and it seems you are the same. So why worry about it, eh?

  2. It's a brainteaser. This was the fourth blog remember...

    I am not quite so proud of my indifference as I used to be because I have found it flawed. I may be able to nullify emotions but when other people are involved who cannot then they are left to deal with the pain alone because I have already distanced myself from it. Sometimes indifference as just laziness disguised