Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Rant of The Skinny Man

A few months ago I read an article in the newspaper. It was about how Mars have reduced the size of the famous Mars Bar. Now I read this and think “What the fuck?” but this was not the angle the article chose to take. They preferred to say it was a social choice from Mars to help combat the obesity problems in society. Again, what the fuck?! No doubt the genius marketing gurus at Mars figured they could make their product shitter (but not cheaper) and pass it off through some positive publicity. But I’ll save my rant on advertising for later. No, my friends, my qualms arise from the fact that I like, nay, I love Mars Bars. I’m a skinny guy. I’m as far from obesity as one could be while staying healthy. Does Mars consider the fact that I need more calories because of my incredible metabolism? Does Mars consider that when I feel like a Mars Bar I want a decent serving size? I am willing to put up with the price hikes, you know inflation, sure whatever, but a reduction in the size? C’mon, they just make us skinny guys suffer because the fatties can’t balance a chocolate bar with a sit up. And it doesn’t stop here. As a kid I loved 2 minute noodles like nothing else. Now the noodles are ‘baked not fried’. For those who don’t understand the lingo, that means they ‘taste like shit’. The flavour mix is even worse as well. Instead of the glorious full flavour of yesteryear, it tastes like my dog pissed on a cube of chicken stock. Everywhere I look I see same shit happening, robbed of the chance to truly indulge. Just cut us skinny guys some slack. Leave the full fat items on one shelf and the low flavour ones separate. And if the fatties keep choosing full flavour and get sick then maybe that’s just natural selection.

- Eden (while listening to Between The Buttons by The Rolling Stones)

Mental Post Script:

Compassionate Eden: Uhh, I don’t know about this one guys, it’s a little callous.
Humorous Eden: I thought we were just trying to be funny…
Heartless Eden: Funny? Pfff. Just shut the fuck up, you pussies and let the fatties die. There’s too many people on earth anyway.
Self conscious Eden: This doesn’t really fit with the free love attitude of our recent posts.
Heartless Eden: Who gives a shit? The compassion fag gets heard every fucking blog.
Humorous Eden: Nah, you guys are just joshin’ me aren’t you? It’s funny. Yeah I still got it baby!
Self conscious Eden: I don’t know man. I’m not even sure if this PS ‘bit’ is funny…
Humorous Eden: What?! This is hilarious…right?
Economics student Eden: Well it’s a smart move by Mars and if the ‘fatties’ get diabetes then our taxes subsidise their medication anyway.
Compassionate Eden: I’m OK with that.
Humorous/Self Conscious Eden: I’m funny, aren’t I guys?
Heartless Eden: Motherfuckers...


  1. Haha, I share in the anger. I don't feel sorry for the fat people... well I do in a way, but I dont want the size of Mars bars reduced. What the fuck is that supposed to do anyway? Are there obese people out there who are fat BECAUSE of Mars bars? I dunno, like you said its because of money (like everything). I only eat the things like once a year anyway. They're great though I gotta say.

  2. Yeah! As long as they don't start reducing the size of carrots ;)

  3. El Beatles on the moon LocoDecember 25, 2009 at 5:34 PM

    haha, thats amazing. I'm not a massive fan of mars bars, I mean, I don't dislike them at all, but I just think there is much better out there. Like, boost. Boom! That aside, mars can lick my behind, as if making mars bars smaller is going to reduce the size of fat people. If anything, they probably have the shits worst then us skinny people and so will end up throwing two down just to make up with it. Now do you see what you've done Mr Mars? You are unintentionally making people fatter. Or, you know this would be the case and has been your plan from the start, if this is true, touche' my friend, touche'.

    ps, "humorous?self Conscious Eden...." - Classic.