Walter Wallace - Chapter 16

Mark Tanenworth woke late that morning. He was having some trouble setting the alarm on his new phone. He was always messing up the AM and PM so he switched it to 24 hour time, however this led to him spending 10 minutes every night working out that 2000 means 8 but it still wouldn’t go off and “It’s pointless to worry about what happened because it is already 10 o’clock,” he said as he rolled out of bed. “Oops,” he said aloud, “caught myself talking again.” He stopped and inhaled and exhaled slowly, wandering if his psychologist would be proud of his diligence – even if it was proving increasingly ineffective. He supposed that he could raise the issue this day as he was about to talk with his psychologist very soon – he had a meeting at...21:30 that very morning, which he was now rushing down the rickety fire escape to get to. He exited Citadel Towers a few minutes later and hopped in the backseat of a black sedan.

Things to Yell While at the Footy

So it is that time of year again: Footy season! And with record numbers in memberships and season tickets the crowds should be bigger and better than ever. Whether you are a first timer or a 300 game veteran from before the war or whether you would simply like to touch up on your vocabulary before performing your duties as grandstand coach/referee/tactician/commentator/motivational speaker/expert opinionist/bogan footy fan – this is a must read!

Here are a few of the basic phrases which will help you enjoy your first game of the season to the fullest.

Drop it – a split second before the opposition player catches the kick off.

Smash him! – When he doesn’t drop it.
*Variation – Hit him

Get off him – when dominant tackles start to get on your nerves.
*Alternate use – when your player acts like a fish out of water under the weight of the defender

Offside – when you are behind the posts with no lateral point of reference at all and are just desperate for a penalty.

Get em onside – when your team’s wingers scoot out of dummy half but only gain 3m
*For extra emphasis: Get em onside, ref!

Six again! – You saw them touch it!
*Remember to wave you fist sideways above your head. Pivot from the elbow for perfect technique

Just call it yourself, you idiot! – When you know the opposition scored but the ref goes to the video ref anyway, in effect giving the opposition fans twice as many chances to celebrate

What? – Confusion over a decision

Tackle him! – when you’re not sure if your team remembers the fundamental forms of defence

Go. Go! GO! – Line break!

What are you even here for? – Always directed at touch jud- I mean sideline official

Shepherd – I mean who actually says obstruction?

What!?- Another terrible decision. Confusion is increasing.

Benefit (of the doubt) – For learned watches of the game who can predict the video refs every decision

Run Forward – When your winger or centre covers 60m sideways

Forward – Usually said in unison with 1000 other people in the stadium (usually not including the ref)

40/20 – when you have that divine premonition of a 40/20 even before it leaves the player’s boot

WHAT! – No confusion here. The ref is a cheat.

Hold it! – The basketball carry 20m out from your own line

Ref’s Call – see: Benefit

Use it! – When an overlap develops but the front rower spots a gap

C’mon…- Deflated after 3 chances at the opposition goal line. Somehow they always seem to know the inside-ball-to-tired-prop play that was worked on all week

Intercept – When things are getting desperate. Usually after 3 consecutive drop outs

Various Expletives – This would require a second article

Would’ve won if the ref wasn’t such a [see next article] idiot – Yes that bad call in the 47th minute sparked the 30 point massacre

So I hope this has helped refresh your memory. Feel free to add a few of your own.

- Eden

Walter Wallace - Chapter 15

Walter woke early, as he usually does, to get ready for work. It was quiet outside and he had some hope that the mob had gone home for the night. He ran a cold shower in order to wake himself up after a rather sleepless night (plus the stud isn’t exactly equipped with heated water) and by the time he was dressed and eating his breakfast he felt normal again; like it was all a dream (a very exciting one compared to the usual windows that opened out to views of sandstone walls).

As he ate he heard a faint clicking sound. At first he thought it was his jaw but he couldn’t feel it; only hear it. He turned around and saw at the window a large camera with its shutter rapidly opening and closing. “How you going there, Walt?” said the camera, “Get a good sleep then?” A youthful face popped up from behind the camera with a cheeky smile and a wave. Walter waved back uneasily. “Don’t mind me, mate. Enjoy your breakfast.”

Walter Wallace - Chapter 14

Sam Tank, (or Sammy Tank as Boss liked to call him. “Sounds more like a mob name,” he had said. Tank had wanted to remark that their operation had absolutely no affiliation with any mob but decided to bite his tongue. He often did this in Boss’s company) was biting his tongue. He was on the phone with Boss who had just finished ordering him to do another pointless task. Tank begrudgingly acquiesced. He slowed his car to a stop and performed a neat three-point turn. He was barely two minutes from his home but now he was heading in the opposite direction to Phil Talley General Hospital to explain why a seven foot giant had just carried a nearly lifeless body into the emergency.

At the hospital he first encountered the numbing whine of Ms Citadel, “You wouldn’t believe what he has done! You’ve got to do something Sammy! Oh he is such a horrible man! Who would do such a thing?” Who would marry such a thing? he bit back - a the stinging sensation surging through his tongue. He was unsure if he was directing the muted slur at her or to her husband – marrying either one was a horrid thought – and as she continued to rant and rave he ignored her and strode past.

UFC Eulogy: UFC 127 Penn v Fitch

One of the more disappointing shows of the last few months, UFC 127 featured a hometown hero frustratingly trapped in a struggle against a different style of fighter, a completely uncalled for show of disrespect from Michael Bisping and a disappointing decision in the main event. But there were a few fun moments, especially from a veteran who came in with little chance and put on the best show of the night (I heard from someone who attended the show that this was the feeling in the building as well).

George Sotiropolous' problem was not that he fought horribly, he just simply couldn't take Denis Sever down. Going in to the fight, we knew that Georgie would want the fight on the ground and Sever would want the exact opposite. We heard that Sever's stand up was very good, but we weren't prepared for how good he really was, and neither was the gollywog. There was a kick in the first round by Sever that didn't land but was still insanely impressive to see. But probably more than just how much he was beating Sotiropolous up, and he was, was his takedown defense. Not one point in the fight did it look as though Denis Sever was going to down, even when George had him by one leg, also in the first round. The Australian did come back from being knocked down twice, and took it to a decision, but really he had nothing. Hopefully Sotiropolous works on a few things, because I don't feel that this ruins too much momentum, as he could still be champ. (Me hopes.)

Michael Bisping is a child. I find him very entertaining, but he is not acting like a professional athlete. I wouldn't mind at all, in fact I was loving the Bisping Show until he kneed Jorge Rivera in the head while the American was on the ground. It wasn't a bad fight actually, with the heavy underdog Rivera actually knocking him down midway through the fight. Bisping came away with the TKO, but he didn't come away with the respect of many people, especially Dana White, who whispered something to Bisping right before the brit apologized in his post fight interview. One can only imagine what 'Mr White' said, probably something to the effect of, "you realise your not the world champ and you don't sell that many PPV's, if I fired you tomorrow, I don't lose shit."

BJ Penn versus John Fitch was not horrible but was not a good fight. The fight was mostly even until Fitch, in the final round, started his light ground and pound that looks like it annoys more than it kills, and looked like he was going to win. We ended up with a draw. It's baffling really, because Fitch won. BJ Penn was not getting up any time soon, Fitch was in control at the end and won the fight. But it was a draw. Penn seemed disillusioned by the decision, and in a pretty awesome show of respect, also said he felt he lost the fight.

The most fun fight was Chris Lytle v Roger Ebersole. Ebersole was an underdog, an old man with not much chance. He came in with so much charisma, ability and experience, and he won the crowd and the match. I'll call him Lil Randy for now because he reminds me so much of Couture.

It was a poor show, but we move on, as next month is the big Light Heavyweight fight!

- Lee